Moron!

I recently had the utter misfortune of sitting in the back seat of my car while I let my uncle drive. Please note - I absolutely had no intention of letting him drive. He just saw it as his sworn duty to do so.

I really wish my car had seat belts and, in this case, restraints, in the back seat.

I settled down for what I thought would be a smooth ride. After all, it was only from my house to the theatre. How bad could that be?

Heh. I was soon to find out.

No sooner had we left my lane than an ambassador turns in. Do note. My road is the most awful road in the history of roads. But thanks to technological advancement, it was finally discovered by road-rollers last week, and is now filled with the usual mess that accompanies it.

Now where was I? Ah. Yes. The ambassador almost collides with my car in its vain attempt to avoid the trenches on that side of the road. Smart uncle that I have, rolls down the window and shouts obscenities at the ambi driver that could make a sailor blush.

Leaving the ambi, now safely stuck in the mud and unable to follow, we brave our way to the mainroad and just miss the green light by a few seconds. With no music system in the car, my uncle feels that it is his duty to fill in the silence. He does this by ranting at the traffic lights, ranting at the traffic, ranting at the cop who was standing under the traffic light and picking his nose and ranting at the gloomy weather.

At last, after 99 seconds of red-light torture, we shoot across the main road and almost hit a cyclist. Down goes the window again and my uncle leans out and yells, "Moron!" along with a string of obscenities in German. Not that the cyclist would understand but hey, it’s worth a shot, eh?

Then of course, the ranting begins afresh. "Who do these guys think they are? I'll tell you what they are. Morons is what they are. Look at that guy. He's wiggling his right hand out the window and turning left! (Er...that IS the signal to turn left, I thought?) Arsehole. Cutting a traffic light instead of waiting for a few measly seconds more. Moron." The monologue continues and I tune out.

Except its really hard to tune out when you're getting jostled around so much at the back. If you're an exceptionally good driver and you rant and rave about other motorists, its one thing. But when you yourself are a horrendously bad driver, freakin' keep your mouth shut and concentrate on the road! Yes, this is where the restraints would come in handy in the back seat.

He continues to zig zag his way through traffic at high speed, while applying brakes every few seconds, all the while cussing anyone who dares overtake us or screech to a halt when we cut in front of them. Of course, there’s no use having the air con on cos' the window is perpetually down with his head stuck out of it, yelling at all the so-called morons and arseholes on the road.

At last, up ahead, I can see a red traffic light and sigh with relief. This will give me time to let my stomach and nerves settle down a little. But instead of slowing down, my uncle floors the accelerator and runs the red light, narrowly avoiding another car and a few dozen cyclists.

"Woah, did you see that?" he gloats. "I ran the light. Hehehe. Wow. See, the secret is to wait until the last minute before you do that. That way, the cops can't follow! What did you think? What did you think?"

Wait a second and I’ll tell you JUST what I think.

Moron.

Indian Traffic Rules

1. Always look to your left while crossing the road. That way, you'll never know what hit you.

2. If you're driving a particularily large vehicle, make sure that you drive slowly, in the middle of the road.

3. If you're driving/riding a particularily small vehicle, make sure to zig zag your way down the road. This will have the same effect as point #2.

4. Always stop at the stop line at traffic lights. That way, when your vehicle stalls, you get to hold up the rest of the traffic.

5. Always move towards the vehicle that is overtaking you and then look at him like he's the idiot.

6. Make sure your vehicle breaks down on a lonely dark road. That way, you can scare the living day lights out of some poor sod by suddenly appearing in front of his headlights.

7. Always speed up when the traffic light turns orange.

8. Follow lane discipline. If you're going straight, always drive on the extreme left.

9. Put your left indicator on while turning right. That'll sure confuse those mafia types who are following you.

10. If you're a guy with low self esteem, make sure you overtake every single girl on the road. Show her who's boss.

Assholes.

Rainy Days and Mondays

This is the only time i can actually see better without my glasses.

I'm riding down Church Road in the pouring rain. Although i have my helmet on, my glasses are dripping rain water. They really should invent windscreen wipers for spectacles. There's zero visibility. Traffic has slowed to a crawl. I can just about make out the tail lights of the car in front of me. Quite a few vehicles have their parking lights on. Wouldn't want any fender-benders on a night like this, would we?

All of a sudden, my fingers start stinging. And then the tail lights ahead of me disappear and i'm left in pitch darkness. My own headlights are useless in the downpour. And then...someone starts stoning my helmet. After a while, i realise that the thunking on my helmet and fingers are not stones, but hail! Its HAILING in Bangalore! Man, but that hurts.

I stop at the first shop light that I see and hurry inside...only to find that its a barber shop, full of gawking men. I pull my coat tighter over my soaking white t-shirt and huddle to one corner. The barber, gentleman that he is, offers me a chair and herds his customers to the other side of the shop.

I wait out the hail, all the while trying not to shiver too loudly. Once the hail lets up, i get back into the pouring rain and start my bike. Following another tail light, I ride through a river that once was the road and around fallen trees with their jagged barks jutting into the road, ready to poke anyone's eyes out.

To make matters worse, the electricity goes out just as i reach my area. Pitch darkness seems to be the order of the day, but with the rain letting up, my headlight is like a beacon on a stormy sea.

I reach home. Safe.